Curveball

curveballsm
http://mrawesomeartist.deviantart.com/art/Curveball-152608448

By definition a bulldozer is a powerhouse of strength and can ‎obliterate any obstacle in its path. Although the “fortunate” ‎agile souls will avoid injury, casualties are to be expected. ‎The primary victim, however, will always be the poor ‎unfortunate sole who believed that his shield of armor ‎would protect him…‎

At the age of 19 I could provide a detailed account of the ‎next ten years: where I would be and what I would do.

‎Nowhere within my plans was there room for a husband or ‎family…‎

‎‎‎Surprise, surprise: shit happens! ‎

“At its best, life is completely ‎unpredictable.” (Christopher Walken) Often, more times than not, we are caught ‎unprepared for the curveballs that life throws us…‎

forkintheroad-jhan917_hism
http://www.cartoonstock.com/

Life bestows upon us special moments with an overflow of ‎powerful feelings and, from time to time, a raging torrent of ‎emotions washes up from behind and catches us completely ‎off guard. When my firstborn entered this world, I was ‎overwhelmed by the powerful surge of emotions that ‎consumed me, unprepared to say the least.‎

Change, more often than not, is a powerful trigger for ‎tears of emotion. Transitions, life events, even those that are ‎on the calendar for months ahead of time, manage to rock ‎me hard.‎

To this day, I can fondly recall a small tractor symbolically ‎pulling a wooden train full of children from the kindergarten ‎to the first grade. Tears flowed. Jeez, so my little girl moved ‎from one classroom to another, big deal! Bar mitzvah, high ‎school graduation, gap year departure and gap year reunion: ‎whether on the outside or on the inside, my eyes always, ‎always teared up.‎

Although I am emotionally sensitive, as a rule I usually ‎don’t allow myself to fully express my feelings.

At least on a ‎semiconscious level I’ve felt that “holding it in” is a way of ‎protecting myself. I will not allow myself to lose control and ‎‎“drown” myself in an emotional cleanse. I lean towards a ‎tendency to conceal my emotions and hide both my feelings ‎of sorrow as well as those of anger and frustration.‎

As incredible as it may seem, even the loss of my parents did ‎not prevent me from chocking back my grief. I am ashamed ‎to admit that I became quite proficient at “hiding” my ‎emotions.‎

This week symbolically marked Passover, Exodus, April Fool’s ‎Day and my personal freedom as I wrapped up my job of the ‎past two decades.

The company where I worked as a B.I. ‎consultant closed its doors and reopened under a new name ‎and management, without me. Although for some time I ‎have been building my business alongside my day to day ‎employment, the transition was swift and unexpected.‎

I met with two of my colleagues to transfer all of my open ‎projects and customer care. As they left, I once again felt a ‎wave of emotions and tears surfacing.

Twenty something of ‎my most fertile years spent: only natural to feel a void ‎and sense of loss.‎

A tear or two moistened my eyes before I once again shut ‎them away and distanced myself from the epilogue of this ‎final chapter.‎

In my youth I took a defensive driving course with my father. ‎At an abandoned airport we were coached to use a heavy ‎foot on the gas pedal, especially within the curves.

It is ‎interesting to note that acceleration within a curve while ‎driving actually improves stability and control!‎

While the next step is uncertain, it is clear to me that I must ‎face the emotional storm brewing within me and not ‎‎“runaway”. Clarity regarding my desires and feelings comes ‎first and the rest will follow through. The winds of change have been ‎at my heels for some time now. Perhaps now would be a ‎good time to accelerate into the curve and fly…‎

One door closes, another opens
with ample room for dreams
‎to come in – true!‎