By definition a bulldozer is a powerhouse of strength and can obliterate any obstacle in its path. Although the “fortunate” agile souls will avoid injury, casualties are to be expected. The primary victim, however, will always be the poor unfortunate sole who believed that his shield of armor would protect him…
At the age of 19 I could provide a detailed account of the next ten years: where I would be and what I would do.
Nowhere within my plans was there room for a husband or family…
Surprise, surprise: shit happens!
"At its best, life is completely unpredictable." (Christopher Walken) Often, more times than not, we are caught unprepared for the curveballs that life throws us…
Life bestows upon us special moments with an overflow of powerful feelings and, from time to time, a raging torrent of emotions washes up from behind and catches us completely off guard. When my firstborn entered this world, I was overwhelmed by the powerful surge of emotions that consumed me, unprepared to say the least.
Change, more often than not, is a powerful trigger for tears of emotion. Transitions, life events, even those that are on the calendar for months ahead of time, manage to rock me hard.
To this day, I can fondly recall a small tractor symbolically pulling a wooden train full of children from the kindergarten to the first grade. Tears flowed. Jeez, so my little girl moved from one classroom to another, big deal! Bar mitzvah, high school graduation, gap year departure and gap year reunion: whether on the outside or on the inside, my eyes always, always teared up.
Although I am emotionally sensitive, as a rule I usually don’t allow myself to fully express my feelings.
At least on a semiconscious level I’ve felt that “holding it in” is a way of protecting myself. I will not allow myself to lose control and “drown” myself in an emotional cleanse. I lean towards a tendency to conceal my emotions and hide both my feelings of sorrow as well as those of anger and frustration.
As incredible as it may seem, even the loss of my parents did not prevent me from chocking back my grief. I am ashamed to admit that I became quite proficient at “hiding” my emotions.
This week symbolically marked Passover, Exodus, April Fool’s Day and my personal freedom as I wrapped up my job of the past two decades.
The company where I worked as a B.I. consultant closed its doors and reopened under a new name and management, without me. Although for some time I have been building my business alongside my day to day employment, the transition was swift and unexpected.
I met with two of my colleagues to transfer all of my open projects and customer care. As they left, I once again felt a wave of emotions and tears surfacing.
Twenty something of my most fertile years spent: only natural to feel a void and sense of loss.
A tear or two moistened my eyes before I once again shut them away and distanced myself from the epilogue of this final chapter.
In my youth I took a defensive driving course with my father. At an abandoned airport we were coached to use a heavy foot on the gas pedal, especially within the curves.
It is interesting to note that acceleration within a curve while driving actually improves stability and control!
While the next step is uncertain, it is clear to me that I must face the emotional storm brewing within me and not “runaway”. Clarity regarding my desires and feelings comes first and the rest will follow through. The winds of change have been at my heels for some time now. Perhaps now would be a good time to accelerate into the curve and fly…